They chased you to have it, you didn’t care about it. You threw it away when they weren’t looking. You eventually grew to love it and now it’s what gets you up when the alarm goes off, OK maybe after coffee. There are some people who claim that they can’t eat anything first thing in the morning but we’re not going to refer to them, they’re not humans.
Perhaps the most popular breakfast is a slice of bread with something. No matter where you are in the world, you can get bread with something. Jam, marmalade, syrup, cheese, nutella, you name it. You have it at home, at hotels, you toast it, you grill it, you have it as it is. Bread is the friend you call and they’re always there. Not the exciting friend, but the one who always helps. The one who sticks around for life. The boring but trustworthy friend. That’s your bread. Treat it well.
I know you thought cereal would be my most popular breakfast, but no. Cereal is what you eat when you think you eat healthily, when the almond milk in the fridge is about to expire, when you wanna have some coco pops (I wish I got paid for this, I have spent so much on you damn coco pops, give me something back!) Anyway, you get the point. Ever since cereal have been accused of high sugar and salt, they’ve been downgraded to guilty pleasure category. So they threw in some fruit, but everybody knows that fruit is not breakfast. Fruit is fruit. So, yeah, way to go food industry geniuses.
And don’t get me started with granola. Granola made her appearance in popular culture about fifteen years ago. It was there before, yes, but not everybody had it. It’s still cereal but somehow sounded cooler. Read this in Paris Hilton voice. ‘I’ll have a granola bar, I had my granola, did you put some granola? Let me grab my granola and go. Gotta get me some granola’. I think we’ve worn out granola in our lives as much as I have abused it in this paragraph. Nuff said about granola, it’s not extraordinary anymore, just like kale. They’re probably somewhere together, having drinks, sharing stories, crying on each other’s shoulder.
Let’s all stand up for our next guest. The omelette. How many times have we set all our hopes and dreams on the omelette? She is the versatile queen that gets us closer to our goal. That bikini body, that dress size, that I-will-not-get-hungry-for-the-rest-of-the-day-with-this. You have it with spinach and ricotta, you have it with avocados and peppers. You have it with two yolks and four whites. One yolk, three whites for the daring math lovers amongst us. You sometimes cheat and you slip a little slice of bread under her (oops). For our vegan friends, you have it with that egg replacement that comes in plastic. I have it with cheese and maple syrup and lovely guilt-free bread. Hooray!
OK, I know I have to say something about all the shakes and the pancakes and you think I’m crazy putting the two opposites together but let me stop you right there and tell you these two have more in common than you think. More than half of social media videos is of skinny people, who love pancakes and pretend they eat them. These same people, are also the ones who prepare protein shakes every morning with frozen berries and vanilla extract.
To get even more confusing, they put up photos of themselves indulging on pancakes, only the fork never touches their mouths and we never learn what happens to the pancakes like we never learned what happened to Brad Pitt after he shot Kevin Spacey in Se7en. (If this is a spoiler, you’re too young, probably eating fruit for breakfast, in which case I’m old and bitter and glad I ruined it for you) What I meant to say is that pancakes and shakes have been abused by their eaters and pretend-eaters and they’re better left alone. They can go find granola and kale. Form a therapy group. Have AA meetings for Abused and Abandoned foods.
Well, what’s left to say when nothing’s left to say? Maybe some clichés? Like breakfast is the most important meal of the day? Eat in the morning like a king? Eat breakfast to get your metabolism going? Really? Some people have bacon for breakfast. Their metabolism has packed her bags and gone. I’m not the one to judge, but be careful what you eat cause it sort of determines the rest of the day. Unless it’s a Sunday, or a bank holiday, or somebody’s birthday, or an anniversary. I’m sure we can find something for each day. Whatever you do though, stop watching those what-I-have-for-breakfast videos. They’re made by aliens. You know, the ones who can’t eat anything first thing in the morning.