I am currently sitting at a fast food chain, at a train station in northern Greece. It’s two hundred degrees, I’m wearing jeans and a very tight bra. Big mistake. You’re gonna put up with me cause I have an hour to kill before I hop on the train to Athens, before I meet and talk to strangers and learn new and exciting things or old and tiring things, we will see. Which brings me to my first point.
Be very careful who you talk to on a train
Unless you’re Antonio Banderas and you can walk on the train roof, give it a moment before you open your mouth and talk to the old lady next to you, or the pretty lady next to you, or the handsome guy looking at you like you’re candy. To anyone for that matter. There’s no escape from trains, you are seat-assigned and if stupid enough, also doomed to put up with a crazy person for hours. Wait till they speak to someone else before you attempt contact. Better yet, wait for the last twenty minutes and say something like ‘phew…we made it, it wasn’t that far/hard/bad…” whatever you can think of to get the chat going and have only a safe amount of time before you’re out free, enough however to decide if you want to see them again. Yes, I am talking about a flirty situation. Any other circumstance and you better keep to yourself. You’re not Ethan Hawke. Read a book for crying out loud or think of all the times you messed up in life. Yep, I know there’s a lot there. Good egg…
Don’t buy food on the train
All the overpriced, stale sandwiches and bags of chips your body does not need. Pick a nice place to go when at your destination, and suck it up till you get there. Have a little snack box you already prepared. Do you see me eating a burger at the photo? No. I got coffee and I have my grandma’s meatballs in a box for later. I ain’t no fool. I could even sell a few and make a buck. Get the point? Homemade food has endless possibilities a train sandwich will never offer.
Carry a deodorant (and use it)
Please. Do I need to say more? Apparently I do. While we’re at it sharing secrets that shouldn’t be secrets, have a shower before you set off. You’re gonna stink anyway by the time you arrive, but less. Less is better in this case. Also, please for the love of whoever you believe in, wear socks with trainers too. Yes, wear trainers. Don’t be some 1980s tourist in flip flops or sandals on a filthy train. There are so many more types of germs and viruses nowadays, daaaah! Now keep that cotton-perfumed roller going up and down your armpits, go on! Don’t forget to do it two minutes before you get off the train, especially if your love is picking you up. I’ve heard stories of people getting dumped at a station.
Choose your music wisely
Don’t make the mistake I usually do and spend every train ride of your life crying. If you’re the type that enjoys music on the road-if you’re human that is- then make sure you choose something cheerful and dynamic, something soothing and relaxing…there are options, but no matter what you do, don’t put on that soul-stabbing, heart-bleeding music that will make you travel back in time to less exciting days just for the pain of it. I know journeys are a great time for existentialism and questions like why and why not and shouldhaves and whatifs but if you also decorate it with background music you are bound to drown in tears and arrive puffy and a complete mess. Beauty is power. Snap out of it, I’ve told you so many times on this blog.
Clothe yourself properly
I cannot describe how crazy my bra is making me feel right now. Let me paint a picture for you. It’s beige, yes already extremely sexy I know. It’s German, which means efficient therefore I bought it and wear it till it falls off, but also very thick cause Germany is a cold country nine months out of twelve. It’s a bit like what new mothers wear when they breastfeed without the booby windows, you know those pockets for getting the nipples out. So really, a childless woman, in Greece, in July, with no AC due to corona….What on earth was I thinking? My German friends, please tell me how to say this in German. Girls, do yourselves a favour and free your boobies, or wear something light and sexy. Leicht und zeksyyy! (Ja, Ja, genau.)
It’s funny cause Fankhauser’s “You don’t know” is playing where I’m sitting (I shazamed it) and it’s perfect for throwing a little midday striptease show which might earn me enough for a limo ride to Athens, which would then set me free from all the above plus my stupid bra but will also make this whole article obsolete and I don’t have time to write anything else till tomorrow cause I will probably spend the next few hours talking to strangers I will then try to avoid by going to the train canteen to eat a sandwich cause my grandma’s meatballs smell too strong.